Your Rainforest Mind

Support for the Excessively Curious, Creative, Smart & Sensitive

Relationships For Creative, Sensitive, Intuitive, Analytical Overthinkers — Where Do You Start?

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photo courtesy of Omar Lopez, Unsplash

You think a lot. Some would say that you overthink. You feel deeply. Some would say that you over-feel. You love learning. Some would say that you over-research and over-read. You have very high standards and expectations. Some would say that you over-analyze. You are concerned about the future of the planet. Some would say that you over-worry.

My friend Felice would say that she was in her “overs” when she felt she was overdoing anything. Which happened quite a lot. She was intense. Sensitive. Brilliant. Busy.

So. Is being in your overs a bad thing? Or is it just your normal? Your rainforest mind doing what it does.

Is everyone else in their unders?

Well. They are in their unders just compared to you. But it is your nature to be living at a faster, deeper, wider pace. Your personhood naturally questions, analyses, creates, emotes, and imagines in atypical ways. Your drive to know, to understand, and to influence is vast. It is a difference in capacity. The rainforest has extraordinary capacity.

How, then, do you have relationships with humans who might be overcome by your overdrive. Or who might be overloaded by your over-the-top tendencies. Or who might feel overdosed on your overt intuitive insights. (Is that too many overs?)

What I see over and over is that RFMs don’t realize that everyone doesn’t have similar capacity. Even though you feel you don’t fit comfortably in many places, you think: Doesn’t everyone question the meaning of life every darn day and night? Um, no. You don’t realize that your difficulty with relationships is at least in part because of your more complex thinking, feeling, and knowing.

You may also have difficulty in relationships because you have trouble making chitchat. You feel awkward in social situations. What interests you is too complex for many of the other humans. You are excited to watch the BBC documentary Attenborough and the Giant Elephant while they are chattering about Sex and the City. And, perhaps, you are tired of counseling everyone else when no one knows how to listen to you.

And I get it. There’s more.

If you acknowledge that you do indeed have a larger capacity, then, not only do you confirm that you are an oddball, but then you have to prove it and live up to it. And that sounds overwhelming. Maybe even terrifying. (Not to prove that you are an oddball. But that you are gifted.)

Better to stay small, hidden, and under the radar than disappoint yourself and everyone else with your catastrophic failures.

But here’s the thing.

You have to understand and accept who the heck you are. That is the bottom line. That is the place where you begin to connect with the human race.

And you’ll just have to calm and reassure the part of you that feels judgmental or critical of others when you recognize your strengths. I know you want to be fair. To everyone.

But c’mon, sweetie pie.

Time to be fair to yourself.

____________________________________________________

To my bloggEEs: There are many posts on finding friends, partners, and relating to coworkers on my blog, just in case you were wondering. And, of course, there is even more on relationships in my books! (What terrific holiday gifts for yourself, your teens, educators, therapists, clients, physicians, acupuncturists, and random strangers.)

How have you been challenged in relationships? Are you often in your overs? Where have you found friends and partners? How do you deal with coworkers? Thank you for commenting. As you know, you add so much to this blog! Love to you all.

(Note: Full disclosure. I am binge watching Sex and the City.)

 

 

 

 

Author: Paula Prober

I'm a psychotherapist and consultant in private practice in Eugene, Oregon. I specialize in counseling gifted adults and consulting with parents of gifted children. The label "gifted" is often controversial and confusing. I use the metaphor of the rainforest to describe this population. Like the rainforest, these individuals are quite complex, highly sensitive, intense, multi-layered, and misunderstood. They're also curious, idealistic, highly intelligent, creative, perfectionistic, and they love learning. I've been an adjunct instructor at the University of Oregon and a guest presenter at Oregon State University and Pacific University. I've written articles on giftedness for the Eugene Register-Guard, the Psychotherapy Networker, and Advanced Development Journal. My first book, Your Rainforest Mind: A Guide to the Well-Being of Gifted Adults and Youth, was released in June 2016 by GHF Press and is available on Amazon or at your independent bookstore. My second book, Journey Into Your Rainforest Mind: A Field Guide for Gifted Adults and Teens, Book Lovers, Overthinkers, Geeks, Sensitives, Brainiacs, Intuitives, Procrastinators, and Perfectionists, was released in June 2019.

47 thoughts on “Relationships For Creative, Sensitive, Intuitive, Analytical Overthinkers — Where Do You Start?

  1. I love your posts and look forward to them so much. I’ve been going through a decade long experiment that appears to be successful. In the beginning I dumped people I’d known forever because they were toxic to me or unable to understand where I was coming from. This wasn’t a conscious decision, but I noticed the trend and went back to a 12 step program I’d left years ago.
    I found myself able to share with fewer and fewer limits over time, and this satisfied a deep need in me. I found myself able to develop less intense relationships with a variety of other people, and even if they were unable to “get” me, I sensed they enjoyed my spontaneity and wit. For the first time in my life I feel fairly popular and I’m humbled by it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. For the biggest and deepest relationship I’d add, a little serendipity or luck always helps. I stumbled into an ideal, messy, wonderful, complicated, and completely real relationship. It only took me until I was 40 to find it.

    After a brief period of becoming acquainted we mutually realized it had become time to move closer together. Jacqueline asked me, “Does this mean we’re dating now?“ To which I replied, “Oh hell no! Every relationship I’ve been in that began with dating failed miserably. As of this moment we are simply completely in each others life as if it had always been that way and will always continue that way.” It worked perfectly.

    We had many ways of managing our relationship. Chief among them was to always keep talking. Regardless of the problem or upset we always kept talking and listening to each other. The other primary one was to look for the joy in every situation. Never to demean the reality of difficult emotions, but if there was some little joke or the tiniest of a thread of silliness we used that to move through the problems we were experiencing.

    Basically, what worked for us and what we realized was not to have the giftedness become a point of contention and problem, but utilize its capacities and uniqueness to come up with unconventional solutions that plagued all the other relationships around us.

    Oh, and one other thing, I learned to fold all the different towels exactly the way she preferred them. Don’t argue, don’t fuss just learn as quickly as you can to do it. And then teach her how to fold fitted sheets.

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  3. Yes, yes, and more yes.
    And – I love binge-watching Sex and the City (love the disclosure). Any stories about writers writing and women unapologetically doing whatever they want to do are ok with me. 🙂

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  4. Oh! Is that called “being in one’s overs” 😉

    I think I’ve been “in my overs” since I was a baby. (Well, maybe I stopped for a while when I had surgery for appendicitis, when I was 12 or so). The thing is that maybe I cannot be otherwise and I kinda don’t want to be otherwise (because that one wouldn’t be myself).

    I once realized that even while sleeping I may be (somehow) “in my overs” when I told a friend that I usually lucid-dream. (i.e.: I am aware that I am dreaming, while dreaming). And I sometimes have been able to even “conduct” my own dreams. Does that sound too strange? My friend told me that I was “too much” (from whose words I realized that lucid-dreaming might be another way to be “in my overs”, even if I am supposed to rest). Well, that’s just anecdotal, I think. Maybe my friend said that because he already knew me (and a few of my “singularities” such as calculating for him 49-cubed faster than his *smart* – phone).

    As far as finding friends is concerned, some of them are coworkers (or former coworkers), some of them are old classmates from a university and some others are yet in another category as I found them more or less randomly. Sure: most of them are not gifted and I cannot fully connect with them… but that doesn’t mean that they do not deserve my friendship. In fact: most of them appreciate my difference (even if they do not know what the heck it is because they “feel” there’s something weird with me, but I would never tell them that it is just that I am gifted!)
    My “trick” is just be friends with those who want to be friends with me (which are usually the ones that appreciate being with me, appreciate my “singularities”, etc.). That makes me feel good, even if I cannot fully connect with them. Sometimes they even surprise me and make me smile! 😀

    And that gives me hopes… that one day, sooner or later, I’ll find more people alike us, to fully connect with.

    Best regards from Spain!

    Liked by 3 people

    • I love that! RFMs might even be in their overs while sleeping! Yeah! Thank you for sharing.

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    • One day, when I head back to Spain, I’d love to meet you cara a cara, Someti 😉
      And yes, conducting one’s own dreams is fun.

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      • cmd1122 Let me know when you’ll be around. I’ll also let you know if I go to the Americas 😉
        Concerning dreams: do you know “la vida es sueño” by Calderón de la Barca?
        I know it is a little off-topic, but here’s an extract:
        «¿Qué es la vida? Un frenesí.
        ¿Qué es la vida? Una ilusión,
        una sombra, una ficción;
        y el mayor bien es pequeño;
        que toda la vida es sueño,
        y los sueños, sueños son».

        Which may be translated (although it doesn’t look like a poem in English) as
        “What is life? A frenzy.
        What is life? An illusion,
        a shadow, a fiction;
        and the greatest good is small;
        all life is a dream,
        and dreams are dreams. –> This last sentence sounds weird in English, but in Spanish sounds more like “Only in their dreams can men be truly free. Twas always thus, and always thus will be.” 🙂

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        • Gracias por compartir “La vida es un sueño”. I think I may have come across it years ago, but what a great refresher. The line “y los sueños, sueños son” is SO much better en español.

          I’ve recently been enjoying some catchy music by songwriters from your way on the Iberian peninsula: El Kanka, Muerdo, Rosana, Salvador Sobral, plus Jorge Drexler (one of my favourites, his lyrics are amazing) who I know lives over there even if he isn’t from there, and just found José González (from Sweden, but with Argentinian roots). I’d been focused on Latin American music and missed some of these artists 5-10 years ago, jaja.

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh, Paula…How did you know that I love documentaries about animals (and that I love the free mini documentaries constantly added to the BBC and Aljazeera websites), that I am tired of counseling others (when I am forced to), that I find myself staying small, hidden, and under the radar to avoid disappointing myself and everyone else, and that I long assumed that everyone questions the meaning of life ALL THE TIME (because how could you NOT)? Now I do not make that last assumption. Co-workers are not easy, especially managing people. Finding ways to keep my mind busy at at least a minimal standard level for me is not easy. I adore returning home after work and having learning and alone time for the whole evening, practicing languages, reading all sorts of different texts, playing different instruments, pulling out the art supplies…I would die without these outlets.

    I prefer films over series. I am trying a Mubi account for a more curated selection of 30 films at any time. The only two-series show I binge-watched was one in a language I was learning (Hebrew) and it was so satisfying to watch largely because of the chance to hear language in context through culture, to compliment my study. To non-RFMs it is pathetic that I can’t comment deeply on most mainstream shows, series, books and movies–I am slightly more ‘in tune’ with mainstream musicians/singers, only slightly. While I somewhat manage to keep track of what people are obsessed with so I can make a few comments, I’ve struggled since elementary school with how I should show that I do love art/culture, do know it well and do get lost in the worlds of many books/artists/etc. I refused to read Harry Potter as a kid as I was busy reading historical fiction. Both kids and adults thought something was wrong with me and I was questioned on why I didn’t want to read the series; my answer was “Harry Potter is make believe, and I want to know about real things and people so I can hopefully not make dumb mistakes that people have made in the past”. My mom insisted on dragging me to three of the HP movies and I hated going, especially as they became more and more violent (it is odd how violence, even if I know it is animated, affects me so much); I would close my eyes and cover my ears for parts. My mom said that if I at least saw the movies, I would know what people were talking about, which was true.

    I recently noticed on my report cards from elementary school that every term I would read 0 or 1 novel(s) from the grade-level list and 12-20 ‘independent’ novels that I had to have my teacher approve. I would enthusiastically do optional book reports on books that no one in the class was ever going to read that year, even if my colourful book report was displayed on the bulletin board. haha.

    Now the issue is more complicated, as many of my favourite books/music/movies/etc. are not in English, so most North Americans just think I am weird. Then again, many of my favourites in Spanish were not mainstream when I was living in Latin America, so locals there also thought I was weird. I can’t seem to make friends with similar interests that go deep enough for me unless I find people who are polyglots and into ‘alternative’ culture… and hopefully RFMs…resulting in few friends, and different friends aligned with different interests…but that is not so satisfying as a ‘best friend’ in your town/city who understands you deeply. Sigh…

    Online friendships are a great option, but it is often more enjoyable to be able to meet face-to-face, though I’ve long had incredibly satisfying long distance’friendships/platonic relationships via very long emails. I long for real-life relationships and avoid screen time so that I can physically play an instrument or make something with my hands or hike in beautiful places. The online, virtual world often terrifies me…where are we going as a species?

    Liked by 3 people

    • As always, thank you cmd1122 for these great examples from your PG life! So many RFMs here will relate, I’m sure.

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    • I can relate to a lot of what you’ve shared. I’m also a language freak. After majoring in translation English to Spanish I went on to study Portuguese and Italian and have recently gone back to an old project of learning Hebrew. I completed about 20 skills in Duolingo in two months and when I finish the course I’ll see how to continue. Watching videos and listening to the radio sounds great. I do it in Portuguese and Italian but it’s much easier for me because these are much more similar to my native language. For the time being I listen to an audio Bible and feel happy when I identify words I have learned.

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      • Thank you for sharing, Carina. Good to hear from you!

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      • You are not a language freak, you just love learning languages because it is fun and they useful and fascinating in never-ending ways 🙂 איזה יופי (How lovely/beautiful!). Imagine what this world would be like if every single person were functionally fluent in two languages, and had to learn the second language while living in a different part of the world (within their own country, depending on the size and cultural/linguistic make-up of their country). The odds of achieving world peace would go up.

        Isn’t Hebrew fun? It is neat to learn to read a non-Latin alphabet, and the linguistic structures are fun. I was not a fan of invisible vowels, but it is a fun challenge to keep advancing and learning to read faster (I am still not a strong reader). The series I mentioned was Shitsel and it used to be on Netflix–no idea if it is still there.

        I studied International Relations with a minor and Spanish and a minor in French, meaning one Spanish and one French class per term, on average. My favourite place to be at university was in the Modern Languages reading room, where I could study or read foreign magazines amid people chatting in foreign languages (listening to German was fun). While I wandered the dire depths of why the United Nations is flawed and how climate change would be the biggest issue in human history, I was envious of the ML students who dove into novels and poems, and had the luxury of ‘geeking out’ with translations and stylistic choices and syntax…

        I took many more literature classes than one would normally do in a ‘minor’ and had fun connecting my IR studies with literature: human rights, history of foreign invasion in Latin America, the legacies of European colonization, oppression, liberation theology, musicalization of poems (wait…that one was personal interest and my musical side)… When I graduated I translated and interpreted on a volunteer basis and considered doing a masters in such, but determined that I would become bored with only translating the words of others, and that I would also like to write and create. As a part time job, sure, it would be incredibly fun and a constant puzzle of expressing others’ words in a way that encompasses time, culture and geographical context. But I am not to going to invest the time in a masters in translation unless it involves mastering languages at risk of extinction (indigenous language in the the Americas), in the context of community learning and knowledge preservation. There is too much to do on this planet to save what is so close to being lost, so as much as I love Spanish, Portuguese, French, Italian, Hebrew, I can’t justify focusing on them.

        I drove my high school teachers nuts in my final years, but they also drove me nuts. Firstly, I insisted on keeping ever single door open for post-secondary options with my course selection. They saw potential and would suggest a path and I usually had an answer as to why I didn’t think it would be worth it. Why major in English when I could delve into Spanish and French literature (through minors while actually doing an IR degree and trying to connect the dots to figure out better human development solutions)? Why study pharmacology when I already knew that big pharma was destroying human traditions of using plant remedies (and copyrighting ancient traditions)? I loved art class and the art room was my sanctuary, but the principal told me that I couldn’t go to art school, that I had to go to university… the same principal who had majored in IR told me expressly not to follow her path, as all one could do with the degree was work in the UN or education (17-yr-old mind-blown…how would education not be beneficial to society, and also, there were other paths one could take…). In fact, several teachers told me not to become a teacher and I thought that was quite something, seeing as I found them to be inspiring. My physics/calculus teacher and I had a discussion about why I was in his words ‘wasting my time’ with French and art class… Some teachers said it would be a waste of my time to spend a year in Mexico after high school on a cultural exchange program (and I reminded them that I’d already been denied the chance to learn Spanish at my high school when it was phased out a year before I could have taken it).
        I do understand some of the nuances of what they meant with their advice. Perhaps my views were too simplified and I was too stubborn, but I enjoyed finding my interdisciplinary degree.

        I am becoming more and more excited to dive into a masters. A local Spanish prof suggested I come in to discuss options. As we rambled en español, I replied (in response to his comment that doing a masters would ‘look good’ on my CV) that I will not do a masters for the sake of doing a masters, that I don’t want my thesis to be read by 5 people and sit on a shelf collecting dust, and that the only way I will do a masters is if it is interdisciplinary and grounded in Action Research and actually serve a pursue in society. It felt good to say that to someone I had just met and then something in his head clicked and he suggested I connect with profs in other departments to start figuring out a ‘focus’.

        Conclusion: WHY am I still having to insist on studying with a purpose to benefit people and non-human beings in society? Why don’t the adults who have lived far longer than me understand this innate moral obligation?
        (Paula–I know what your answer to this question is…so after my masters, maybe I can become the best benevolent dictator the world has ever known? 😉 )

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        • Just in case my bloggEEs are reading this, cmd1122, and thinking how they must not be gifted because they don’t have this level of abilities/interests, I’m reminding you all that there is a spectrum of giftedness. As I like to say, I’m on the spectrum at what we might call the BG end…or barely gifted…where some are moderately gifted and some are highly gifted and others are profoundly gifted. And, as another reminder, RFMs are complex so not all have skills or interests in languages or music, or calculus, for example. There’s lots of variety in the rainforest mind even though when I write these posts, many of you resonate with much of what I say. Thank you for sharing your particular version of rainforest-mindedness, cmd1122. It’s helpful to everyone to see a specific example of what I’m writing about. I always appreciate hearing from you. 🙂

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            • Hi, cmd1122, the same with languages: Russian, Ukrainian, Polish, English, Spanish, German – almost perfect I would say, Hebrew, Sanskrit, Japanese, French, Italian – learned and crazy about them. Music, martial arts, yoga, philosophy, law… Who can understand this? My own parents and friends cannot 😉 But these are my treasures and I would like to know others who love these things. So happy to find this blog (thanks to the article in the Third Factor magazine, where I’m preparing my own article) 🙂

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              • Hey again Nataliya. Wow, that is an admirable list of languages and interests. Too bad that your parents and friends don’t understand, but that is their loss. I share your frustration in this regard.
                Do you play music or sing? I play the violin and am learning the cello and also practice yoga, but not martial arts. I enjoy philosophy and learning about the history and implications of laws, but wouldn’t consider myself an expert on either field, though I love diving into learning more about topics and branches of knowledge as they spark my interest (thank goodness for the internet in this case).
                I just looked up Third Factor (also found an interview with you, Paula!) and I’ll look for your article on there. 🙂

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                • Hi, cmd1122 🙂 I was a pianist and a singer in a choir when I was at school and as a student. But then I’ve lost interest for classical and romantic music, unfortunately I didn’t learn how to compose music and this was what I was missing a lot. Then, some 4 years ago I went again to the music school to learn violin from the very beginning. After a year I got pregnant and had to give up the lessons.
                  I must tell you, there’s a book of Barbara Sher “Refuse to choose” for people who love so many things. You can read something about scanners in it.
                  Actually I’ve written two articles about the very Third Factor 😉 for the magazine and now the editors have to choose one. Don’t know when it will be published

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                  • I thought I had replied to this–sorry for the delay!
                    I hope you return to the violin–it is a very fun instrument and so versatile! If you find a group to play in you might be more motivated (?). I plan to join an ensemble (for cello) in January and I am so excited to play on the ‘other side’; not necessarily the melodies (as was the case when I played violin in orchestras), but many of the bass lines and harmony with the violas, etc….A new perspective from within the orchestra.
                    I know that having a child is very busy and a lot of work, but I’m sure your child would enjoy watching and listening to you play! Or if you only have time to practice once they are in bed, buy a mute (to put over the bridge; I recommend a rubber one) so you can practice at night without disturbing people, just to amuse yourself. There is nothing in this world like playing music late at night when it is dark and quiet outside, especially during winter.
                    I will look up that book suggestion. It looks as if another Third Factor magazine will be published in January–so perhaps I can read one of your articles then. 🙂

                    Liked by 2 people

  6. This is a great post Paula,

    My poor wife has, at times, struggled to understand how my curiosity drives me. How I take up new hobbies and interests with great frequency as they grab my attention. How I can read textbooks for pleasure.

    I have met, via my blog, others who are like me and for me these online friendships have been a true gift..

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  7. Hm.. friends? They are few, and all from childhood or since I was a teenager. Not easy to make new ones as an adult… Co-workers? No clue how to deal with them! Wish there was a list of over-companies looking for staff 😂

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  8. I will be forever grateful for the partner I ended up with, who may not have a RFM but was able to wrap his head around/identify my having one before I was able to. He encourages it, has patience with it, and reminds me of it when I overwhelm myself. So grateful.

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  9. ❤️❤️❤️ [hearts] Not a very profound response, I know, but this post was a great comfort to me.

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  10. Your timing is uncanny, as usual. Fresh off two work holiday parties, I’m again kicking Myself for not being better at small talk. Although I did have some fun chatting with the plus one who works in cyber security. It’s that time of year. Although I’m lucky to have an understanding partner, I’m about to spend almost two weeks with his entire family. And I ask myself once again, how do Latino RFMs manage the family group? I’m always a nervous wreck after a few days of having to be in constant agreement with “the group.” I’ve been trying without success for 20 years to get them to give me just a little breathing room, without success. I’m starting to think the problem is him and he doesn’t really respect my needs for privacy.

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    • Holiday season can be particularly difficult because of all of the social events. And family events! If you’d like, Sarah, I’m curious to hear more about what you perceive the differences are with Latino RFMs and families. Thank you for sharing.

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      • Latino extended families are very unified. They make decisions as a group (although there is a hierarchy and they do solicit opinions). I have struggled for years with my in-laws because they are somewhat extreme in this regard. I’m just so individualistic that I can’t even manage to fake that I’m part of the group, which in our family amounts to nodding and agreeing with all of my father in law’s opinions, no matter how outlandish or untrue, and this makes my father in law angry (with me). I also don’t dress the way my mother in law would like. she would like me to dress exactly like her and my sister in law. I don’t have the same body type, so even if I wanted to, it wouldn’t work very well. We’re spending extensive time with them this holiday season and I just know that at some point I’ll say or do the wrong thing and it will blow up.
        Not all Latino families are as extreme as ours, but most of them function as a group and individuals hesitate to make decisions without consulting the rest of the family. I just wonder how this works for other people who might be the only rainforest-y member of their family but who are not in a position of authority.

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        • Thanks, Sarah. Maybe others will share their experiences. Different cultures vary in their values around family, community, and individualism. I know there are pros and cons with every model. I wonder if RFMs have more difficulty when values are more around unity vs. embracing differences. And I know it’s not that simple, either. This is a complex issue to be sure. Thank you for sharing what it’s like for you.

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        • From the words I read, Sarah, I feel that my family has some “Latino-like” characteristics (perhaps because I am Spanish?). However, I have to say that it is my family family (not my in-laws as I am not married ([yet])).

          As I was born in this family, I am quite used to everyone… and I would say that I am not the only gifted one (I’m lucky! I think!). However, I do not only spend Christmas with them (from around December 20th to January 6th), but also Easter, some Summer holidays, some weekends, wedding anniversaries, birthdays (of every single member), some local festivities, someone’s random achievement… and the list goes on an don. Oh! and sometimes we gather just because. For the sake of it. (Which is fun sometimes, but… hum, may I not be that lucky after all? 😉 😂 )

          Anyway: When we gather, (nearly) the whole family is together. So I try to stay close to those I can talk to easily and understand me better. Or perhaps I am a great listener and I trend not to talk too much. I may also try to go with the flow (I know… you’re thinking that I do this because I am young… and you may be right).

          Sometimes some relationships may be difficult, within my own family. I try to listen and offer them the best of my self. I am sorry if I cannot give any particular clue. All families and relationships are different and what works for me may not be suitable for others.

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          • Sometí, thanks for replying! I lived in Madrid for two years and loved it there. I was very involved with my boyfriend’s family (not my husband) and found them to be unified but also very open to learning about my culture and accepting of me and even my differences. I enjoyed being around them. I think a few of them were rainforest-y and maybe that’s what made it easier.

            I also spend several weeks out of the year with my husband’s family. Christmas is not the only time.

            I think maybe it is partly the culture—you mentioned “go with the flow” and i think it’s not to do so much with that you are young but the way kids are raised in Spanish and Latino cultures. It’s definitely a characteristic that is expected—but maybe particularly exaggerated in my husband’s family. Because they are extremely conservative and my father in law is an assertive, even aggressive leader, they tend to follow each other more. And I’ve never been very good at following.

            I guess I just want some autonomy. I do act and dress my own way, but the disapproval is made clear. 😦

            Thank you again for sharing your perspective!

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  11. Hi, Paula, I’m really falling in love with your rainforest mind concept and your way of talking about it. I feel like keeping in touch with you and your community, so I will try to comment on what you say 🙂
    I guess relationships for such people are the challenge themselves. They are the magnifying glass of what we have inside – happiness or depression. The other question is the greatness of the other person. Can he meet your treasures and give the right support, that magical “full understanding” deep understanding of what you really really mean. What if he is jealous of who you are and your happiness? Or wants you to stay in his kitchen, so that nobody can talk to you or seduce you 😉 hahaha.
    I like the idea of thinking about the motivation of the relationships. What do we expect from them? Do we expect them to make us happy? To make your lives more intense, fulfilled, stable, prosper, make your dreams come true?
    Maybe it is a spiritual meeting of two mature souls who want to know the essence of life?
    Personally I am happy to know that expectation that a relations with the man or other people is the only way to give a meaning to my life is an illusion (but not so long ago it was not that clear to me). And it’s definitely better to know yourself and the necessities of your soul and be able to be happy regardless the relations. Then the chance to attract the one who is your equal soul on the same vibes is higher.
    Even if we meet the right person, all our “karma”or the voices of our parents or their parents in unhappy relations may sound in our heads. It’s a great challenge indeed, but this is what gives our lives so much tension and so many emotions.
    Nataliya

    Liked by 3 people

  12. I was wondering… How hard should a person try to be friends with people around them? I have acquaintances that are local to me (within 5 miles, I am in a rural area) and I know how intellectually to reach out (I know how to try but not sure if I will really accomplish much if I am the only one truly capable of trying very hard) and strike a conversation but when do you ask them, ” I have been having a tough time lately (last 5 years) and you didn’t reach out to see if I am ok or could use some kind of help”.

    I am still having a difficult time and really don’t think friends would even understand or relate. I am single and most people around me are married and have a family, I don’t want to intrude or cross some kind of a line with someone in the relationship. The people I am around, I do dumb myself down but I really don’t want to do that with any other people – I have enough people in my life that I really act dumb around. I have room in my life for more people but just need quality. And how do people react to actually having a person that is observant and will offer real feed back even if that feed back might not be very flattering?

    I have a few people (friends not romantically involved people) I would not mind connecting with again but I really want to ask why they said things in the past. Maybe they don’t remember or maybe they will give a very unsatisfactory answer, I just see more close people in my life as not a good thing.

    Thanks, Andrew

    Liked by 1 person

    • This is a tough one, Andrew. It’s hard to find other RFMs and even when you do, the relationships can be hard. In general, I would say that talking about your disappointments or miscommunications is a way to build closeness in a relationship. And yet, it can depend on the person and the type of relationship you have. Looking for quality and depth is important, but also may be hard to find locally. Some people have different friends for different purposes. The movie going friend. The emotional processing friend. The book lover friend. The hiking friend. Etc. Maybe you get to know your neighbors for safety reasons but they don’t become close friends. Sometimes long distance relationships can work well if you find a good one. You can text, email, Skype, and voxer! These days it is easier to be close to a person who isn’t in your town. Anyway, those are some ideas. Have you seen my posts on friendships? https://rainforestmind.wordpress.com/2016/10/04/the-gifted-adults-guide-to-finding-friends/

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for the reply. I understand it is really impossible to really get a direct or complete answer to some of my questions. But it is really nice just to get a response and “a shoulder to lean on” – find support.

        I try to connect with people. A few days ago, a 23 year old gentleman at the local pub said that I just don’t try hard enough to make money or make my businesses a success. I thought first, I have been living on my farm for 23 years (ran one business for 18 years), let alone how much life I have lived and how many or how different of a life we have lived.

        I feel that I tried way to hard to make my one business a success and should of relieved myself of the stress 5 or more years ago. I did shut down two businesses as of Jan 1 of 2019 and I have as much money now as I did back then but so much, tons much less stress.

        I can imagine many people would say, walk a mile is someone else’s shoes and understand them easier. If you win 50.00 winning a bet and you only have 10.00 in the bank and owe the bank a lot more, how can you feel lucky? That person who lost 50.00 kind of teases you about being lucky but that person is driving a thirty thousand dollar pickup worth more than all your vehicles and your house? Yes, there is no simple answer but I get vent and complain here in a safe place. Thanks for the shoulder to lean on.

        Liked by 1 person

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