Your Rainforest Mind

Support for the Excessively Curious, Creative, Smart & Sensitive

Managing Your Young Gifted Child’s (And Your) Emotional Intensity

20 Comments

photo courtesy of Jordan Whitt, Unsplash

You would think that a super smart person would be cool, calm, and collected. Capable of handling emotion when it infrequently and inconveniently trickled out. Analytically above the fray. Lost in thought about bosons, quarks, and string theory. Logical. Not particularly emotionally expressive.

You would think.

But the gifted children and grownups that I know, well, they have EMOTIONS. Their capacity for intense, deep, effervescent feeling is enormous. Granted, if they are males, this sensitivity often goes underground when they reach adolescence. (For more on this, go here.) But if you are raising a gifted little boy, you know what I’m talking about. EMOTIONS. People are just a bit more understanding when our girls express emotion. But, if females are too passionate, too angry, too critical, too sad, too joyful, or too assertive, well, that is also seen as unacceptable.

You have probably heard about Dabrowski’s study of giftedness and his explanation of overexcitabilities (OEs). He said that it is part of the nature of a gifted person to have intensities in many areas, including emotion, sensation, intellect, psychomotor, and imagination.

So, you can relax. You haven’t ruined your children.  And you aren’t an anomaly. Or a weirdo. There’s just a lot going on in the rainforest. A LOT.

So, what can you do?

Start with self-understanding. Your emotions are an important part of who you are. Make time to nourish yourself. Soothe your anxiety. Calm your nervous system. Find others who appreciate your depth. Remember that you have a rainforest mind which means that you are highly sensitive with high expectations and standards for your behavior. Then you can stay calmer when your child’s emotions are splashing around or bursting out in embarrassing ways at the restaurant, or the library, or in front of your in-laws.

Acknowledge your child’s emotions so that your child feels seen and understood. After that, it will be easier to problem solve with your child and to set appropriate limits and boundaries.  “I see that you’re feeling frustrated right now because you can’t get what you want.” “I wonder if you’re feeling sad about that.” “I hear you when you say that you’re ‘stupid’ because you didn’t do well on the test. Can you tell me more about that?” “I see that you’re mad and want to hit someone. Hitting is not OK. Use your words to tell me how you feel. I can help.” 

Try the container method. Explain to your child, during a calm period, how there are times when it is important to put big feelings into a container when it’s not safe or appropriate to express them. Then they can let the feelings out when they are safe at home. An eight-year-old I worked with decided he’d put his angry feelings into a coconut when he was in school where he was being bullied. On days when the coconut wasn’t enough, he’d reinforce it with diamonds and make it as large as a truck. When he arrived at home, he could draw pictures of his feelings and explain them to his parents.

Practice self-soothing strategies. A gifted child’s constant questions, verbal agility, and need for intellectual stimulation can be exhausting. Make a list of tools to calm your child and yourself. Tell your child that you are learning how to take good care of yourself, too.  Your child can even remind you when they notice you’re stressed. Slow breathing, calming music, positive self-talk, singing, getting out into nature, exercise, taking a bath, massage, essential oils, and listening to a story or podcast can help. There are meditation apps such as Insight Timer for when you get some alone time. See the resources below for more ideas. Your sensitive child will feel and may react when you are out-of-whack so you’ll want to stay in-whack as much as you can.

Get therapy if you are frequently over-reacting to your child’s intense emotions. If you’ve grown up with any kind of abuse, trauma, or neglect, you’ll likely be triggered by your child’s emotional outbursts, particularly when your child reaches an age when you experienced a traumatic event. It can be hard to find the right psychotherapist so give yourself time to shop around. There are some suggestions here. The School of Life in the UK is also a good resource.

More resources: If you only have time to read one book, I’d recommend Eileen Kennedy-Moore’s Smart Parenting for Smart Kids. She writes about very specific issues that might not be addressed in general parenting books. If you have time for more, check out Mary Kurcinka’s Raising Your Spirited Child. Also Living with Intensity by Daniels and Piechowski. Psychologist Gail Post‘s blog. Tina Bryson and Dan Siegel’s books and websites. Tina Harlow and her free ebook: Helping Gifted Kids ThriveChristine Fonseca‘s book on emotional intensity. Facebook groups on parenting gifted and 2e kids.

It can be challenging to be the parent of a gifted child. You might be particularly hard on yourself and extra anxious and you may feel super responsible for all children everywhere because of your own rainforest mind. So hear me when I say that you really need to understand your own giftedness and make the time to nourish yourself. You will become a better parent, your children will benefit, and all children everywhere will thank you. 

______________________________________________

To my dear bloggEEs: If you are a parent, what ideas and resources have been helpful? What challenges have you faced?  If you are not a parent, what do you wish your parents had said to you or helped you with? What are your suggestions for parents of gifted children? As always, thank you for being here. And thank you to the family with the 8-year-old and the coconut.

 

 

Author: Paula Prober

I'm a psychotherapist and consultant in private practice in Eugene, Oregon. I specialize in counseling gifted adults and consulting with parents of gifted children. The label "gifted" is often controversial and confusing. I use the metaphor of the rainforest to describe this population. Like the rainforest, these individuals are quite complex, highly sensitive, intense, multi-layered, and misunderstood. They're also curious, idealistic, highly intelligent, creative, perfectionistic, and they love learning. I've been an adjunct instructor at the University of Oregon and a guest presenter at Oregon State University and Pacific University. I've written articles on giftedness for the Eugene Register-Guard, the Psychotherapy Networker, and Advanced Development Journal. My first book, Your Rainforest Mind: A Guide to the Well-Being of Gifted Adults and Youth, was released in June 2016 by GHF Press and is available on Amazon or at your independent bookstore. My second book, Journey Into Your Rainforest Mind: A Field Guide for Gifted Adults and Teens, Book Lovers, Overthinkers, Geeks, Sensitives, Brainiacs, Intuitives, Procrastinators, and Perfectionists, was released in June 2019.

20 thoughts on “Managing Your Young Gifted Child’s (And Your) Emotional Intensity

  1. Great thinking. Now if I could go back to when my gifted 40 year old daughter was 7, before she had her own rainforest child…. She does very well with him but overthinks everything, especially when she decides to take light humor as an insult to her. I’ll keep all this in mind. Thanks.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Lots of thinking happens in the rainforest mind! Thanks for being here Iowan42.

      Like

    • A thought of a similar sort — so, the 237 people over the course of my life that insisted I was being overdramatic all owe me an apology. Cool. Sounds like I’ve got some emails to write. Nice to realize they reacted poorly to my unique brain wiring, rather than me to the various situations.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ha! Of course this doesn’t mean that we’re never actually responding inappropriately!! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • Of course not, I removed all the dead people from the list otherwise it would’ve been much larger. I figure it’s the least I could do for their heirs.

          And … because humor does not always translate perfectly well written on the Internet, I of course, do not have a list. But it does seem like over-[fill in the blank] seems to be thrown at me a little more than I notice it being used with others.

          Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you for sharing this article, which describes perfectly both myself and my five year old daughter.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. And I forgot to include the person who REALLY has a tropical forest mind and at age of 80 is still bullied by some people: my mom! Is this genetic? My mom and my daughter are many generations apart and don’t even live in the same country but are so similar in many ways.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wish you’d been publishing on the web thirty years ago. Oh, wait … there was no web. Right. 🙂

    And you weren’t you, and I wasn’t me, thirty years ago. So it isn’t a real wish. But I had two RFM boys, and I know they felt deeply, and were deeply hurt by the world, growing up, and while I was good for them — they’ve told me so — still, looking back…. I wish you’d been publishing on the web thirty years ago.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I read your blog yesterday morning and it saved me at night when my 8 year old had a meltdown at my mom’s. It is so different when you understand where that intensity comes from (his and mine…)!!! Thank you!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so glad it helped, Saskia. Thanks for letting me know.

      Like

      • Paula,
        Thanks for your comment. I also believe in a genetic component. I am a Biologist but I never studied this topic in depth.
        I read the book “Raising your spirited child” and found the perfect definition for three children (two grown up already): my mom, myself, and my daughter. We are “more” type of people: more intense, perceptive, sensitive, hungry for learning experiences, and….more.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Paula, Great suggestions and reassurance for families that their sensitive gifted child is just doing his/her thing! And thanks for including my blog in your list of resources!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hi Paula thanks for this post. How do you know of you’re gifted or traumatised….the descriptions seem similar.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think that’s hard to answer, Han, without more information. When I have a client in therapy, usually they come to therapy because of traumatic events or growing up within a dysfunctional family or lack of confidence, low self-esteem. Then I help them sort out, over time, which “symptoms” are giftedness and which are the result of trauma. Some things like curiosity, needs for intellectual stimulation, certain sensitivities, empathy, and intrinsic perfectionism can be more clearly due to giftedness. But I know it can be confusing. If you read more of my posts, it might help you sort it out.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.