Your Rainforest Mind

Support For The Excessively Curious, Creative, Smart & Sensitive

If I’m So Smart, Why Do I Feel Like A Failure?

33 Comments

photo courtesy of Vanessa Bumbeers, Unsplash, CC

photo courtesy of Vanessa Bumbeers, Unsplash, CC

Was this you? You were told repeatedly that you were so smart; that you had a high IQ. You were the top student. Your parents and teachers praised you often for your abilities and achievements. School was easy so you could get high grades without studying. You won awards. Teachers said that you were gifted. Your parents said that you’d do great things when you reached adulthood; That you could do anything you wanted. Expectations were high. 

And so was the pressure. But you didn’t realize it at the time. Until you got to college. Suddenly, you were surrounded by smart kids. You were no longer the star. Not only that. Some of your classes were hard; studying was required. Studying? What’s that? You got your first “C.” You loved psychology and philosophy but you’d never faced a workload like this. No one else seemed to be having trouble. You started procrastinating, as usual, but last minute finishes didn’t work anymore. It was confusing and overwhelming. Your identity was crumbling; you became anxious and depressed.

In your mind, it became clear that you’d been faking your smarts all of these years. You weren’t gifted. Never had been. You’d gotten by on your charm. Now charm wasn’t enough. You were a failure. Every little mistake, every question you couldn’t answer. Failure.

Is this you? Or someone you know?

Let me give you a hug and an explanation.

Kids who are gifted are often told, repeatedly, how smart they are, by well-meaning adults. High grades and other achievements may be praised excessively. This can lead children to believe that they’re loved because they’re “so smart.” Their identity becomes dependent, then, on their capacity to continue to show their advanced abilities and on the praise and attention they receive.

This can lead to unhealthy perfectionism: fear of failure, avoidance of activities that don’t guarantee success, impostor syndrome and procrastination. It can lead to anxiety and depression. Being smart becomes a static thing. You either are or your aren’t. And because you’re used to learning many things quickly, you think that’s the way all learning should be. If you don’t get it fast, well, it just proves that you’re not gifted. Not gifted? Not lovable.

What can you do?

Understand that your worth as a human isn’t due to your accomplishments. Your worth is about who you are, not what you do. It will take time to really believe this.

Make a list of your values. What do you appreciate about others? Compassion? Generosity? Sense of humor? Can you admire these values in yourself?

Imagine your life as a work in progress or as a form of artistic expression. Focus on the journey or the process instead of the product or the outcome.

If you’re in school, design a plan for studying and completing assignments. Break projects down into smaller steps. Look for resources online about dealing with procrastination, perfectionism, expectations, and fear of failure.

Learn about Dweck’s more recent work on mindsets. Even if giftedness is the way your brain is wired, that doesn’t mean it’s an all or nothing phenomenon. You can still have strengths and weaknesses. You can make mistakes and still be a lovely human. You can have high standards and not be perfect.

Make a list of your thoughts and beliefs about your “failures.” Are they rational? Replace your irrational beliefs with what’s actually true. If you’re really struggling, try this book. The book includes ways to self-soothe and calm your anxiety.

Read biographies of eminent people and make note of their struggles, mistakes and failures. Elon Musk and Steve Jobs failed multiple times.

If you’re a parent, avoid praise. It’s often meaningless. Instead, encourage your children by giving specific feedback and asking questions. “I noticed how kind you were to that boy.” “I’m enjoying the details about the characters in your story.” “How was it for you when your team worked so well together?”

If you’re a parent, encourage your child to engage in activities where they need to struggle. They will learn how to deal with mistakes, failures and set backs and will form a stronger sense of self.

And finally, hold on to your dreams!  Even if you feel discouraged and anxious some of the time, or a lot of the time, there is love in you. There is beauty in you. You can do this.

_______________________________

To my bloggEEs: Thank you to the reader who inspired this post. Share your thoughts, feelings, questions and dreams here, please. We all benefit from your experiences!

Advertisements

Author: Paula Prober

I'm a psychotherapist in private practice in Eugene, Oregon. I specialize in counseling gifted adults and consulting with parents of gifted children. The label "gifted" is often controversial and confusing. I use the metaphor of the rain forest to describe this population. Like the rain forest, these individuals are quite complex, highly sensitive, intense, multi-layered, and misunderstood. They're also curious, idealistic, highly intelligent, creative, perfectionistic, and they love learning. I've been an adjunct instructor at the University of Oregon and a guest presenter at Oregon State University and Pacific University. I've written articles on giftedness for the Eugene Register-Guard, the Psychotherapy Networker, and Advanced Development Journal. My book, Your Rainforest Mind: A Guide to the Well-Being of Gifted Adults and Youth, was released in June 2016 by GHF Press and is available on Amazon or at your independent bookstore.

33 thoughts on “If I’m So Smart, Why Do I Feel Like A Failure?

  1. Hi Paula and Happy 2017. I can definitely relate to this post. I recently took a training on shame and it mentioned perfectionism. I recently acknowledged that I lean towards perfectionism and it effects my interactions with others at work. I assume that everyone expects perfectionism from me because I typically score high on exams ( civil service) and finish work very fast, etc. I am still figuring most of this out , but your article is a reminder that being judged for achievements and linking identity with intelligence is often a dangerous pursuit.

    thanks, Linda

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Just shared with my daughter; thank you!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Yes, this is my life. Never learned to study in high school. Went to a seven sister college – was floored by classes where I actually had to study. I didn’t know how and I didn’t have the self-knowledge or the self-discipline to make myself learn it. Chickened out of a difficult major – went back to something that was easier. BA, two master’s degrees, most of a Ph.D. I loved learning, but had no idea how to study. I still don’t. I don’t think my problem is really perfectionism; it is mostly sloth and stubbornness. I like learning, as long as it is easy and fun, but when it gets hard or takes a lot of effort, I let myself be distracted by just about anything available.

    And now that I am retired, I have taken up writing music. I still don’t study it like I should. I am back to doing it, because it is fun, mostly. Fear of failure – more like knowledge of certain failure – dogs me now. The kind of music I write isn’t popular any more. I like it, but it won’t “sell”. What is failure? What is success? I am so used to being an impostor, that I have become one.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can relate to this post but not as a child. Even adults who find out at a later age they are gifted can have these experiences.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow! Your descripition was an x-ray of my academic life. Aced throughout school, struggled in college and almost gave up. Impostor syndrome. I can relate. Procrastination is my issue when I feel insecure. I can be a high achiever and a risktaker unless the goal feels too far beyond my comfort zone. I have learned to take baby steps, but there is a particular area which means a lot to me but seems an unattainable dream.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This post is a wonderful summery of many gifted people struggles and burdens , thank you for your kind explanations . Your words bring relief to many of us .

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pingback: If I’m So Smart, Why Do I Feel Like A Failure? | Journey to My Soul

  8. Wow, this is so me. Except I went to a university where if you got a C or lower the professor had the option to fail you!!! So I got an F in my favorite subject because I had been “coasting”. I had to check in weekly with an advisor who was helping me with time management and planning. I guess I should thank that instructor for that very hard lesson. Now with my own children I try to focus on the fact that they are working hard and that is a good thing. I have five daughters and I hope I didn’t mess anyone up yet too much. It’s a fine line between high expectations and pushing your kids to perfection.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, Gabi. I think that’s a hard one to know. How to differentiate between healthy high expectations and pushing for perfection. Thanks for sharing.

      Like

      • Gabi, I share your struggles as a parent, though I have only one son.

        Growing up was hard because my dad is a perfectionist and I always seemed to rub him up the wrong way, if you know what I mean! So on the one hand, I don’t want my son to feel he needs to be perfect in order for us to approve of what he’s doing. And he seems to have an innate perfectionism and a tendency to beat himself up when he doesn’t get something right at the first attempt. So on the one hand, when I’m checking his school notebooks, I want to point out the spelling errors because I’m a translator and editor and I don’t want him to grow up with this “any spelling is ok as long as the message is understood” mentality that seems so widespread. But I don’t want to make him even more perfectionistic in the process. So yes, it is a thin line indeed!

        As I reflect on myself, perfectionism is the negative side of a very valuable asset, which is the desire of excellence. I want to moderate my perfectionistic mindset without becoming mediocre in the process. I want to know when to keep striving for better performance and when to let go. I want to accept “very good” can be just as good as “excellent” sometimes, and sometimes a “good enough” is ok. You have to pick your battles, as they say!

        Liked by 1 person

  9. As usual, I learned something from reading your article. Even the minority of gifted folks, that’s to say…. those recognized as intellectually gifted as a child and supported struggle with the same problems as millions of intellectually gifted folks yet to be discovered or supported. Thank you Richard

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Your compassion really shines through the words on my laptop screen! Such great advice, but of course, perfectionism is a stubborn creature, one I’ve wrestled with for so long. I failed a comp lit course in college because I became so immobilized by perfectionism in trying to write a term paper! One thing that helps me, and may help a reader or two here, is since learning that I’m much more a visual-spatial thinker, I now understand why writing can be so challenging for me (more linear/sequential). Also helpful was learning I’m INFP, and we tend to work in intense elongated spurts. So now I actually approach a writing task as more a painting task. Sitting at the computer, I’ll type out thoughts as they come, and questions. Then I go back and start organizing them. I’ll add additional thoughts while doing this. Seeing them on paper is very helpful. Then according to which thesis seems best and most interesting, I’ll begin focusing on that one. I like using MS Word’s shape feature to create maps for ideas.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much for this suggestion, Beth! I’m guessing that many readers will find it helpful.

      Like

    • Beth, your experience in “comp lit” reflects my college experience in Argentina. I kept dropping out of subjects when I felt I couldn’t give my 100%. I postponed finals until I had studied and had deep knowledge *everything* in the syllabus. In the last subject I took, Language IV, to pass the final I had to write a paper of a topic of choice. Free choice can be more challenging than being given specific boundaries! You just can’t decide. At the end of two years and a half, because I couldn’t even finish researching my topic of choice, globalization, the subject “expired” and my final would mean having to write the paper + study the syllabus. Study what? The teacher had been a mess! There was no syllabus. And then the teacher quit! So I ended up retaking one of the easiest subjects. To sum it up, what could have been a four years and a half course… ended up being ten years and a half (8 1/2 years if I consider those two years when I basically did nothing!). My GPA was great, of course, but I wasted so much time!

      I also want to say that, as an aspiring writer who is a recovering perfectionist, your comment is indeed helpful. One therapist once gave me the image of an internal judge who is always frowning on me and demanding more. That is exactly why I chose translation instead of writing as a major. I was afraid (still am) of letting go of my fears and just write. Yes, what worked great for me in the past, at times when I was a bit less judgmental of my own work, was writing freely whatever came to mind, and after writing a long chunk, come back to it for editing a couple of days (even weeks) later. If I let the “editor” take over too soon, I get paralyzed and cannot write at all! That’s the main reason for my extended writers’ block when it comes to creative writing. Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Carina. Your examples will be so helpful to many. Important for readers to see that they’re not alone! Thank you.

        Like

      • I’m so glad you found my post helpful! I wish you great luck in your writing endeavors. For me, formal writing has always been a tortuous experience. I’ve done well in college (well, except that one course) and a term paper I wrote for Statistics was actually nominated for a dept. award by my professor! But I think this type of paper is more easy to write, than, say, ‘globalization’!!!! I just wrote about the data, it was kinda fun! Yeah, tell your ‘Editor’ to cool it. Just focus on one idea at a time!

        Liked by 1 person

  11. College was easy. It wasn’t until I was in the workplace that I had trouble. Still have a ton of trouble at age 46. Just laid off AGAIN. I have been on the wrong career path and feel very confused and scared. I don’t feel whole.

    Dr. Silverman told me years ago that I grew up profoundly gifted so why hasn’t adult life come easy? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • …because you’re profoundly gifted. We assume that the smartest people will have the easiest lives but I haven’t seen that to be true. All of that giftedness can lead to many challenges. Are you new to my blog? If you keep reading, you may see explanations that you relate to. Thanks for sharing.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I started reading your blog a couple of months ago. Thank you so much for all your insights on your blog. I studied gifted education briefly some time ago, know some experts as well in Illinois. The problem, as you know, is that the primary focus has been on children. I always ask why not focus on the trees instead of the apples?
        You’re so right. Life has not been easy. People think we grew up with a golden ticket. Even now my mom will ask me a ton of questions about something on which I have no knowledge. So many challenges. I’ll keep reading. Thank you so much, Paula!

        Liked by 2 people

  12. Pingback: Gifted: The Movie — A Review of Sorts | Your Rainforest Mind

  13. Pingback: Are You A Driven Perfectionist In A Slacker World? | Your Rainforest Mind

  14. Pingback: If I’m So Smart, Why Can’t I Make A Decision? | Your Rainforest Mind

  15. Pingback: The Roots Of Unhealthy Perfectionism And What To Do About It | Your Rainforest Mind

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s