Your Rainforest Mind

Support For The Excessively Curious, Creative, Smart & Sensitive

When You Want to Send the Gift(edness) Back

34 Comments

photo courtesy of pixabay CC

photo courtesy of pixabay CC

I’m not complaining. You. A super-smart person. Have a lot going for you. A lot. You were born with a brain that is wired for extra-intelligence. It was a gift. You didn’t earn it. But there it is. I’m grateful. You’re grateful.

And you’re not complaining when you explain that there are times when you want to send the gift back. You’re probably seriously overwhelmed, exhausted and enthralled by what you see, what you feel, what you hear, what you intuit, what you smell, what you know, what you don’t know, what you worry about, and what you don’t worry about. And if you’re a parent of a child whose brain is wired for extra-intelligence, then, be sure to keep your receipt. Because you may want to send that gift back, too.

As a parent, you’re also probably seriously overwhelmed, exhausted and enthralled. Every day. All day. If you have more than one child, or if there are complicating factors, oh boy. Your sense of responsibility and ability to catastrophize may reach monumental proportions.

So, what do you do? What. do. you. do.

You get help.

Wha???,” you gulp.

I can hear you now. “I’m not supposed to ask for help. I mean, I’m the gifted person. I’m the one others go to for help. And hey. I’ve tried asking and it doesn’t work. No one gets it. Their ideas are lame or cliche or dismissive. Argh!! And what will they think? I can’t risk my reputation. And I can’t complain because, well, what do I have to complain about?” 

Take a breath.

I’m here to tell you that you, too, will need help. When the gift is just too much and your anxiety or your depression or your loneliness or your body chemistry or your thinking rage out of control or you are on the verge of returning your children to Walmart, permanently, you need to ask for help. (well, OK, your children didn’t come from Walmart…maybe they came from Macy’s)

The trick is: Give yourself permission to be persnickety. Take your time. Be selective. Help might come from unexpected places. If you try a practitioner who turns out to be inadequate, leave. If you join a book group that wants to read about vampires, quit. If you can’t find a Facebook group that is sensitive enough, start your own. If you’re dealing with trauma from childhood, meet with a few psychotherapists before deciding. Read blogs written by gifted individuals and go to websites that support gifted families.

You might need help from a team, especially if you have complicated physical conditions. Acupuncturists, naturopaths, massage therapists, energy healers, friends and pets can be great supplements to traditional medical practitioners. images

Tap into your spiritual support network. It may be your religious community or your mindfulness practice. Remember that you have a finely tuned inner wisdom — insight that can be accessed through meditation, shamanic journeying, hypnotherapy, guided visualization, journaling or various art forms.

And, if all else fails, if your gift(edness) came from Costco, I think that they have a lifetime guaranteed return policy.

____________________________

To my blogEEs: First, I need to mention that after writing this post, I realized that my oh-so-clever idea of sending the gift back has been used before. Probably multiple times. But at least one time that I can credit. Jen Torbeck Merrill has a wonderful blog and has written a book published by GHF Press entitled: If This is a Gift, Can I Send it Back?: Surviving in the Land of the Gifted and Twice-Exceptional. If you are a parent of a gifted and twice-exceptional child, you’ll want to connect with her work.

Second, it looks like the webinar I mentioned in my last post is on. The date is October 6, 2015, 4:30-6 PST. You can register through SENG. Or try this link. Contact their office if you need help. If you’ve been following my blog and are wanting to hear my sultry voice, now’s your chance. The webinar is about gifted adults, of course.

And, finally, this post is part of a blog hop. Click on the link to read more from parents and professionals about how and when to reach out for help.

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Author: Paula Prober

I'm a psychotherapist in private practice in Eugene, Oregon. I specialize in counseling gifted adults and consulting with parents of gifted children. The label "gifted" is often controversial and confusing. I use the metaphor of the rain forest to describe this population. Like the rain forest, these individuals are quite complex, highly sensitive, intense, multi-layered, and misunderstood. They're also curious, idealistic, highly intelligent, creative, perfectionistic, and they love learning. I've been an adjunct instructor at the University of Oregon and a guest presenter at Oregon State University and Pacific University. I've written articles on giftedness for the Eugene Register-Guard, the Psychotherapy Networker, and Advanced Development Journal. My book, Your Rainforest Mind: A Guide to the Well-Being of Gifted Adults and Youth, was released in June 2016 by GHF Press and is available on Amazon or at your independent bookstore.

34 thoughts on “When You Want to Send the Gift(edness) Back

  1. I like the idea of sending my giftedness back… but only as an experiment of my thoughts!
    Because my giftedness is a part of me and I am so used to it. I see and hear with it, I think with it, I feel with it, I laugh with it, and: I can do a lot with it.
    I am never bored because there are so many interesting and rewarding things to do when you are gifted. And I think about all those very nice other gifted people I meet and then I never want to send my giftedness back any more. I hope other gifted people will feel the same.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Paula, I jump for joy when I receive a notification of a new post from you and I’m always delighted with it. Thanks you so much, your posts are a HUGE comfort and support to me. It goes a very long way in helping me feel validated, less isolated and connected. Please keep on writing…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Probably one of the most common refrains I hear from gifted kids I work with is “Why can’t I be normal?” It’s a hard journey to walk when you feel like the core of who you are is seen as so wrong or flawed by the rest of the world. There’s no easy answer, but finding an empathic listener is definitely a first step to working through those dark feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Beautiful post! Thank you for the validation and encouragement. I want to give back the giftedness the most when I can’t find understanding and acceptance that I so desperately crave – from relatives, friends, and even acquaintances. Now, every school year, I pray that my gifted child will get a teacher who understands or at least accepts him. I’m not as worried about whether he will get the curriculum he needs (we’ve been lucky to find a school that successfully differentiates), or what he will do or learn in school that year or who he will be friends with.

    The most important thing to me is that my child has a teacher who at least tries to understand him and will approach him with compassion first and who my son feels that that he can relate to. He’s had three years of school so far, and we’ve been 1 for 3. One teacher has understood or at least accepted him as he is, and the other two have not understood him at all and wanted to change him – or at least his behaviors. Unfortunately this is one of the school years with a teacher who doesn’t “get him”. Now my only prayer is that she shows compassion first and tries to accept him as the school year goes on even if she doesn’t understand his actions or the way his mind works.

    Thanks again for helping me know that I’m not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Less and less I want to ‘give it back’ – though I do wish I could tease apart my giftedness-related social issues from trauma-related social issues. Mostly, I’m just glad I can communicate with my daughter so well… I’m there for her in ways I never experienced as a child. She seems to feel supported and has a super quick wit which she shares with me more & more as she ages.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s what’s so tricky, Ro. Figuring out gifted issues versus trauma stuff. I hope my blog helps with that. Hm. Maybe I’ll write something specifically about that. You’ve inspired me, Ro!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Re: trying to understand the connection between trauma and giftedness (see posts above), the book, The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel Van Der Kolk, may be a good starting point for understanding the neurophysiology of trauma, for those who are interested. Van Der Kolk has spent his entire professional career researching and treating trauma. You can get the book on Kindle and use the WhisperSync technology to listen to it if you don’t have time to sit down and read.

      I very much agree with the above posts; I find it difficult to have both giftedness and developmental trauma on board because they both significantly impact identity formation and the ability to self-regulate. Humans are meant to co-regulate, to some extent, through bonding and touch, etc, so it is very difficult when you have a nervous system with very big amplitude, compared to an average nervous system. Average folks, I think, may feel overwhelmed just on a physiological level. They have less capacity for the level of energy we bring. The cost of the “gift,” unfortunately, for us, is that we either become disregulated because we have to chronically dampen our nascent intensity for the group or we become disregulated because we get negative feedback from the group when we begin to try to organically regulate our big nervous systems. Either way, for me anyways, living in a dampened society feels pretty much like an inescapable attack.

      I am finally finding those people with whom I’m able to “coregulate”, but it has definitely been a costly journey. I’m just glad that the last four years is behind me and new life is starting to emerge.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Wonderful insights, holbart. I love Van Der Kolk’s work. I’m sure your thoughts here will stimulate others on this very important topic.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Holbart, thank you so much for sharing some of your experience. I really hear you about receiving ‘negative feedback from the group’. This has happened to me a lot throughout my life. I remember posing a philosophical question as a 10 year old to one of my friends… she couldn’t really deal with what I was pondering, and shortly thereafter she exploded violently, breaking something and throwing it across the classroom before bursting into tears. There had been no malice in my question, just curiosity and a desire to share. All the other kids (rightfully) ran to their red faced, bawling classmate. A lot of angry faces turned towards me as I stood there, very confused, wanting to comfort my crying friend but being shut out and not knowing what to do. It was around that time a lot of classmates started calling me ‘alien’.
        What you have written is really interesting, and I can relate to parts for sure. I used to say that it felt like I was alive but with no skin on.
        It’s brilliant that you are moving into a new life Holbart. Very happy for you. The same is happening in my life – it’s such a delight. I’m going to get my hands on the book you recommended. Thank you. Sending my best wishes

        Liked by 2 people

      • Holbart: Thank you so much for the book recommendation. I’m up to the last section of the book ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ by Van Der Kolk, and it is the most important book I’ve read. For lack of a better description; it is explaining my life to me. It even explains how my daughter may have inherited my neuro-immune condition (methylation process). It has also explained – well, I won’t go into details here. All I can say is that through the process of reading, the puzzle pieces of my experience have been laid down in place, and I can see the picture, finally.
        Sending my best wishes.

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Thanks for the reminder that being gifted is a gift. It doesn’t always feel like that, but maybe that’s b/c it’s not the gift I would have chosen for myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This is everything I have been feeling lately. I don’t really want to change who I am and what I can do. But I could use a break. I could use a break from my mind, and my kids – I’ve got three little rainforests.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Lovely post and perspective, Paula. Thank you. Yes… between my four kids and my own swirling thoughts, I’ve often wished for a bit of normal.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Sometimes it’s refreshing to talk to other people who understand how it feels when you want to switch your mind off – but I’ve also learned to appreciate the differences of having a rainforest mind. Thank you so much for writing all these great articles! They sometimes make me think a bit about some issues I tried to push to the dark corners of my mind where I don’t see them that often, but now I know it helps to address them.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Yes, being a rainforest with two little rainforests and no one to understand you ( inc hubby) is exsushasting .
    Friends don’t really get you , it often times is very lonely!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  11. “energy healing”? Really? Disappointing coming from someone who purports to be intelligent.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Rachel. I’m sorry to hear that you’re disappointed. My experience is that there are people who are exceptionally intuitive/sensitive. I work with someone like this who has helped me and many people with both physical and psycho-spiritual issues. I don’t know how to describe her work but it has to do with intuitive abilities and what might be called “energy fields.” I appreciate that you are skeptical and questioning and might not agree with all of my ideas or suggestions.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Beautifully written. So true that while people tell someone who is gifted how lucky they are, they often secretly lament how much they wish they were”normal.” Having that overthinking tendency creates burdens, and knowing when and how to get extra support is essential.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Pingback: Single? Lonely? Gifted? Listen Up. | Your Rainforest Mind

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