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My Smart Kid Is So Emotional–Am I A Parenting Failure?

74 Comments

photo by Diego Diaz, Flickr, CC

photo by Diego Diaz, Flickr, CC

Your child is emotional. Anxious. Melting down. Telling you that you’re the worst parent. Ever. Not in so many words, necessarily. But still. You know that you’re the worst parent. Ever.

“How can such a smart kid behave this way?” you wonder. “How did I screw up so badly?” 

I hear this often from parents of gifted children. Here’s what I tell them:

1. Gifted kids are EMOTIONAL. Their passionate natures can be as large as their intellects. You can respect their emotions while setting boundaries around inappropriate behavior. They’ll be calmer if they know that you’re compassionate and in charge.

2. Helping your children contain emotion is different from repressing or denying those feelings. Containment is useful, especially when you’re out in public places where screeching will be frowned upon. They can visualize a beautiful object or a cabinet or a tree or whatever their creative minds can dream up that will lovingly hold their emotions when it’s inappropriate to let them flail about. A great resource for visualizations is here.

3. Because smart kids are very perceptive, little things that others don’t notice will affect them. That includes the sounds of people chewing or the scent of your detergent. They’re not neurotic. They’re sensitive. They’ll also be finely tuned in to you. They’ll know when you’re worrying about their grades and pretending that you’re not worrying about their grades. It’s often best to confess the truth.

4. If we’re talking about 15 year old girls (more or less) and their moms, don’t ignore the awesome power of hormones. Let us all give hormones our utmost respect. They will win every time. Sometimes all you can do is ride the wave or go read a good book. (or visit your naturopath, acupuncturist or doctor)

5. Recognize when you start channeling your parents. This is not usually helpful. If you find that your mother’s criticism is coming out of your mouth or your father’s anger is simmering below the surface, consider psychotherapy. A good therapist can help you dig your own voice out from under the rubble.

6. Avoiding power struggles will be hard if your children think faster than you do. Use the “Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you” method. Give yourself time to make decisions so you don’t feel pressured. It’ll be easier for everyone to stay calm. Including you. Remember that your child will feel safer if you’re in charge.

7. You may be a problem solver and action oriented. When your children are in pain, it’s hard to not want to stop the pain immediately. Instead, start listening. Reflect back what you hear. Validate feelings. Ask them if they want your help problem solving. If you’re listening well, they can often come up with their own solutions. At first, this may feel awkward and contrived. Explain to your kids what you’re trying to do and they’ll be patient with you. You may think that you’re already listening and that it’s not working. Ask your children if they think you’re listening and then believe them when they tell you that you aren’t. (That said, set limits on how long you listen if your child tends to go on and on and on.)

8. If your own childhood was less than ideal, you might lose patience when your child is freaking out, especially if you were never allowed to complain, cry or fall apart. Give yourself some grace around your reactivity. Find a way to allow the child in you to express her or himself. A journal can be a great way to safely complain, cry or fall apart. Then again, if you need more help, look for some good resources online or seek out your friendly local psychotherapist.

9. There are no perfect parents. Your mistakes are an opportunity to show your child how to learn from mistakes, how to understand that a mistake is not the same as a failure, and that even failure is an opportunity for growth.

Your child is emotional. Anxious. Melting down. Gifted. And so are you.

_____________________________

To my blogEEs: Are you a parent? What challenges are you experiencing? What questions do you have? What suggestions do you have for other parents?

 

 

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Author: Paula Prober

I'm a psychotherapist in private practice in Eugene, Oregon. I specialize in counseling gifted adults and consulting with parents of gifted children. The label "gifted" is often controversial and confusing. I use the metaphor of the rain forest to describe this population. Like the rain forest, these individuals are quite complex, highly sensitive, intense, multi-layered, and misunderstood. They're also curious, idealistic, highly intelligent, creative, perfectionistic, and they love learning. I've been an adjunct instructor at the University of Oregon and a guest presenter at Oregon State University and Pacific University. I've written articles on giftedness for the Eugene Register-Guard, the Psychotherapy Networker, and Advanced Development Journal. My book, Your Rainforest Mind: A Guide to the Well-Being of Gifted Adults and Youth, was released in June 2016 by GHF Press and is available on Amazon or at your independent bookstore.

74 thoughts on “My Smart Kid Is So Emotional–Am I A Parenting Failure?

  1. Thanks for this advice. I love the posts with actual advice, .. I need actual suggestions of what to do!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Another well-wriiten, accurate and reassuring blog!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for this post. its nice to find people who get it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. “especially if you were never allowed to complain, cry or fall apart.”

    That hits home. more to say but no words right now…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thanks! As a new parent, I hope to take this in fully, particularly the flavor of boundaried abundance.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Same as byamtich, i’m a new parent too and found your article extremely interesting and practical, hope i will be able to practice these advices, thank you loads.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. My husband and I haven’t had the good fortune of having children, but if I did have children, I would want to model my parenting after how Buck Brannaman, a modern day horse whisperer, approaches horsemanship. Here is an amazing documentary of a man who, although not perfect, has an intuitive sense about how to work with the energy of a horse without breaking the horse’s spirit. Containment, leadership, empowerment, empathy, compassion – they are all in his approach to working with horses, IMO http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buck_(film) It’s on Netflix.

    Love your thoughts, Paula. I especially like the idea of building strong containers. They may protest it, but I think containment helps kids to feel safe and secure in the world. Gifted kids may need bigger containers, but they still need them. Containment is compassion.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think I’ve heard of him. I’ll check it out. Interesting about containers. Counseling clients need safe containers, too. And, because they’re gifted, the containers are quite large! I love that “containment is compassion.” Thank you.

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  8. As mom to a gifted, hormonal 15-year old girl who has our house in constant chaos, I really appreciated this article. (She’s also graduating from high school in several months to compound everything further.) She didn’t want to eat with us last night because the sound of our chewing was unbearable. (We turned on the radio and she put one earbud in for her own music, too.) It’s like you’ve been at our house, lol. Thanks for the reminder that we’re not alone!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Thank you, thank you! My daughter is profoundly gifted and profoundly emotional. We experienced one of those major meltdowns just yesterday. Your words were reassuring and made feel like I am not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Pingback: Article: “My Smart Kid Is So Emotional–Am I A Parenting Failure?” By Paula Prober

  11. Thank you for this helpful article. I have been thrust into the emotional waters head first so many times this school year with my 12 yr old daughter and 10 year old son. Their sensitivities are different but can get both intense. I am staring into the fast approaching summer months before 7th and 5th grades with the feeling that I must stockpile my toolbox to help all of us through and to prepare for the next school year. Can you recommend how to simplify these complex needs if I were to seek out a counselor’s help? By simply stating they are gifted and emotionally intense will she “get” what that looks like? As well, would counseling perhaps help alleviate my feelings of exhaustion or could it all just become that much more overwhelming? Seems I apply the advice that should work and when it doesn’t it is hard to keep at it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’d definitely want to find a counselor who understands giftedness. Otherwise, she might not get it, sad to say. There are some lists of professionals on websites like http://www.sengifted.org or http://www.giftedhomeschoolers.org or http://www.hoagiesgifted.org. Also, http://www.psychologytoday.com has a therapist directory where you type in your city/state and read profiles of counselors in your area. If you happen to be in CA, there are many counselors and some organizations that support parents of gifted children. That said, if you could find just a good counselor who may not have experience with giftedness but was open to learn, that could work. For you to see someone for general parenting support, I do think it could help with the exhaustion and could help you when you feel discouraged. Another idea would be to be sure you get enough time to do things that nourish you, especially during the summer. That’s good modeling for your kids, too. Thanks for sharing your concerns, Liz.

      Like

  12. I am a parent. My daughter started high school this year. She has been a ‘still waters run deep’ kind of person since toddlerhood. Yesterday was parent-teacher interview night at her new school, and we were told by the mathematics teacher that our girl knows all the work they’re doing in class, but she needs to extend herself by trying the different extension opportunities available. At home she admitted (I almost had to prise it out of her in the end) that there are some children in her class who are great at the extension activities and she tried some and couldn’t solve them straight away so she gave up. She said she’s afraid that if she keeps going and tries really hard but STILL can’t solve a problem, then she is not good at maths after all and is a failure. This from the girl who skipped a year at school and is now in the extension class working a year ahead in maths and already knows all the work they’re doing. She had come to the conclusion she was probably no good at maths, seized up, but kept it a secret. I wish so much that she could be less wound up. She’s superficially a really easy-going girl, but underneath it all she seems to carry these secret knots of tension. Aside from that, teacher after teacher mentioned our girl’s ‘over-excitability’ in class. One teacher said “It’s almost like she needs to get up and run around for a while” and my husband and I both laughed & blurted out at the same time “Yeah, we have to get her to do that at home”. I tried to field these concerns on behalf of my daughter and give the teachers a strategy to help when she is bubbling over. Fingers crossed it works out. I worry now that my daughter might try even harder to contain herself in class (because she does work at it) and it could cause more strain for her. I’m hoping that as my daughter enters her teen years, somehow, she can be encouraged to open up more. She is truly a mystery to me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Gifted kids often give up if something doesn’t come easily because they don’t realize that most people have to work hard to learn something. She doesn’t have that experience very often, it sounds like. So we have to explain that to our kids. You might look at the work of Carol Dweck and her book Mindset. You can talk to your daughter about how having a growth mindset will help her understand that having to try hard at a problem is what develops her brain and that being smart isn’t a static thing. (If your daughter isn’t a big talker, you could have her write to you and you write back as an alternative way for her to express her concerns to you.) Thanks for sharing, Ro.

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  13. My daughter turned 6 today, and we planned a day packed with fun, relaxation, and a break from her baby brother. The sweets, the attention, the break in routine… Something GOT to her.

    She screamed, she kicked, she blamed. It was an ugly scene. My grandmother, lovely and wise as she is, doesn’t understand that “behaviorism”–as in, ignoring a negative behavior til it dies off on its own–generally doesn’t work with these special sensitive kiddos. I choked down my own frustration and disappointment that she was acting “so horrible, so ungrateful” when we’d worked so hard to make her day special, because it’s not about ME.

    Her day was soured by her own over-stimulation. The overall affect of her experience was overshadowed by her own intense emotions, confused body chemistry, and jumbled thoughts. When I put it into perspective, I stop wondering what I did wrong, and I start wondering how we can use this experience to guide how we can relate to and help our daughter cope with her own emotions.

    Very timely article for me. 🙂

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  14. Well said, Melanie. “I stop wondering what I did wrong, and I start wondering how we can use this experience to guide how we can relate to and help our daughter cope with her own emotions.”

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  15. THANK YOU SO MUCH for writing this! Oh man, it helps. My son is almost 8 and incredibly smart…and emotional. Everyday there are tears. We homeschool and go from AP Physics to having to remind our son that it’s ok for his brother to BREATH. I can have the volume of a lecture I want to listen to, on level one and my son (who WAS asleep upstairs) appears before me and asks, “what are you listening to?” Almost like he teleported. It’s straight creepy. He’s suffered from visual panic attacks since age three and I find we spend more time working on his emotional maturity rather then academic. It’s never ending. I needed this read today, thank you!!!

    Fun side note- though we live in Fargo, ND both my husband and I grew up in Eugene, Oregon- graduating from Churchill High School and attending the U of O and NCU. It was pretty neat to read this article, then see where you live! We still visit home as often as we can to see family!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I was stunned when I read that according to the research by Linda Silverman and others, that “gifted” aka “abnormally highly intelligent” people tend to also be more emotional. I had heard that women are much more emotional than men. I had heard that children are more emotionally sensitive than much of the adult population. I had not heard that gifted people have a greater emotional register than others. I have heard that people of the choleric temperament are sensitive to stimulation and tend to remember experience in much of their original strength and color more than other temperaments do.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, in my experience and in the literature, it seems that gifted folks tend to feel things more deeply. It could be another way to say that they’re often more sensitive or more intense. It may have to do with how the rainforest mind is wired. That said, certainly not all highly intelligent people are more emotional! But, for example, the gifted men that I’ve worked with and known over the years have all been deeply emotional, which may go against the rules of what a man is supposed to be. Thanks for sharing!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sure! I had no idea about the emotional component as having anything to do with it until I read some of Linda Silverman’s work on line. LOL – and sad, but true….but years ago I found that information in my birth chart….but I am not sure I even believe in astrology so I didn’t assume it was true but also had no idea it might have anything to do with being smart.

        I now have a pet pop up theory (quick and easy, no paper with thorough research done) that the whole matter amounts to a nervous and sensory system highly sensitive enough to create diverse affects but nothing so extreme as to be a disorder. The brain is a giant nerve ending, so there we are.

        Liked by 1 person

  17. Paula, Great article with solid, helpful advice. A lot of useful reminders for parents when they feel discouraged about their children, and don’t know how to respond.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Hi
    I don’t think my kids are gifted on the academic sense they go to an above average s hool abd do well with effort I had my daughter take the GATE test a few years back but she didn’t pass however, I would like to know if “giftedness” is academic only? My older two get along with adults more,than kids are not able to uderstand lids their own age but do fine with older more mature kids. Are very very sensitive to subtle looks, comments, etc is there social and emotional giftedness? Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

    • Some children who are gifted do well academically. Others do not. So you don’t have to get good grades in school or perform well on tests to be gifted. Some highly intellectually gifted kids are frustrated by schooling, for example, and so don’t do well. Or they may be anxious during testing so not test well. And, of course, not all highly intelligent people are also highly sensitive, but I find that many of them are. The whole topic is very complicated and controversial! People define giftedness in many different ways. What I’m presenting in this blog is my experience with gifted children and adults over my years teaching and counseling. You can read more about this on the website http://www.sengifted.org. Thanks for the question!

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  19. Thank you, this is all what I TRY to do but it’s hard b/c — as you mentioned! — I didn’t get it from my parents when I was growing up. Like my son, I’m gifted, but only lately have I learned (when reading about it re: him) that giftedness and emotional intensity/sensitivity go together. I was always told I was “too” sensitive etc. — they didn’t like that part of my giftedness. It’s so good to learn that my emotional sensitivity is connected, not my fault, and there’s nothing wrong with me!

    I just found your blog through a gifted fb group and look forward to reading more from you.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. We are in the depths of this with our three children, 15 1/2 y.o. son, weeks from 13 y.o. daughter, and just turned 3 y.o. son. All three have seen therapists over the years (yes, the littlest one had 3 months of play therapy last summer). I’m having a hard time, and so are our therapists, figuring out what behaviors are attributed to giftedness, ADHD, SPD, depression, anxiety, and mood disorders. My oldest lacks any motivation in life and generally acts like a textbook case of depression; my middle is a walking timebomb and has our household walking on eggshells; my youngest tends to get physical and begins hitting adults and children when he is offended in any way. We finally have an appointment next month for older two to see a psychiatrist for possible medication. We have mostly been intentional with our parenting, but nothing seems to work long-term. In fact, it almost seems the opposite of what I read works with them. The one truth that holds fast for all three is the use of positive-reinforcement. Negative reinforcement sparks the worst behaviors they are capable of having. Correction of any type could also spark negative behaviors, depending on their state of mind, which is hard to judge. My oldest is an extreme introvert, my middle is an extrovert. My youngest is leaning towards being an extrovert. My oldest has never had a friend. Ever. I can go on and on. We are just so desperate to help each one! And yes, my husband and I are both gifted and can relate to the struggles we see in my children, but we never struggled to the degree we see in our children.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh Christina, this sounds so challenging. I’m glad you’re working with therapists. Are you reading the material on twice exceptionality (2e) ? Dan Peters at the Summit Center in CA has a lot to say on the topic. You can google him and find talks on YouTube and articles he’s written. He would be a good place to start. When kids are gifted with particular disabilities, it can be very hard to sort out what’s what. Remember to find ways to take care of yourself as well! Thanks for sharing.

      Like

  21. The sound of chewing….. oh how i can relate to this! The famiky dinner table used to be tortuous!

    We work with texture sensitivities, smells, sounds, lights….the lights at school make a buzzy/humming sound and somehow my daughter and i are the only people in the world who hear it!

    Would love to read more on working through the frustrations and road blocks that are thrown up when the inevitable repetition or effort is needed!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Thanks for the post.
    I have three sons and the middle one is highly gifted. I never know how smart he is because he’s always pushing the eldest (1year half apart), I am concerned if it is competition and I don’t know how to stop him from making his oldest brother feel less smart…. Any advice??
    Many thanks in advance

    Liked by 1 person

    • One quick thought–Perhaps if you get alone with your son and take a ride with him or a hike and ask him about how he feels about his brother. Or ask him to help you problem solve about this concern that you have. Maybe he doesn’t realize that his brother doesn’t have the same abilities? I really need more information to give you a better answer. (i.e., their ages, etc.) If it’s a big problem, a good family counselor could help. I’ll think about writing a post on siblings. There might be some information in the articles library at http://www.sengifted.org. Sorry I can’t be more specific, Ona!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Ona- we have the same concern with our gifted son. He often got frustrated with his brother for not learning as quickly or understanding things. What I did, not sure it’s the best but it worked, was I told him the truth. Typically these gifted kids know when we aren’t being real with them and they apprecaite the honesty- so I just told him that being smart like he is, is literally a gift. He didn’t work really hard for it, he didn’t earn it, it is A GIFT. He was just born that way. We are Chrstian, so we also talk sbout how it’s a gift from God, but you can leave that out too! I remind my son that he needs to be patient, kind, and humble towards others because they ARE working VERY hard for something he doesn’t at all have to work towards. And I gently remind him that it’s not ok to brag, or even act better then anyone BECAUSE he really doesn’t have a right to…
      Since that talk, and with me reminding him this…he’s completely different. He helps his brother with his ABC’s and is sooooo much more gracious. It’s super encouraging!

      Liked by 2 people

  23. We definitely go through this with my daughter (4). She’s immensely emotional and she is STUBBORN. It doesn’t matter what you try and do – she just wants to do things as she wants to do them. We prefer peaceful parenting, and we know she’s so flipping smart, but that doesn’t mean she cares about reason. She’s still four! And it gets so frustrating sometimes. And she’ll tell us things like ‘I will do things without you telling me to do them’ and we try to give her as many choices as reasonably possibly in hopes that THAT will encourage her to work with us. I don’t try and rule with an iron fist, but nor do I want to be flippantly ignored when we need to get out the door to an appointment. It’s been very trying. She’s an extremely, sweet, loving girl.. but she has a mind of her own, big time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Gifted kids can be very strong willed. It’s good to find helpful ways to communicate while she’s young. There’s a fairly new book by Dan Siegel called No-Drama Discipline. It looks pretty good. I’d recommend that you check it out. The techniques described would work well with gifted kids. Thanks for commenting, Brandi.

      Like

  24. “It’s often best to confess the truth.” <— I can totally vouch that this is always the best way to go. Those gifted children will always zero in on any parental inaccuracy, exaggeration, or white lie–each and every time. Then they will proceed to call you on the carpet for it, being the little lawyers that they are.

    Another brilliant article full of truth and enlightenment! Thank you, Paula!

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Oh boy, Paula. This is so, so great!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. I am a gifted/talented teacher and would love to have your permission to use this post at our next parent meeting. Do you have any suggestions on questions to use to spark discussion? I was planning to use “What challenges are you facing?” If you have a couple more, it would be wonderful. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Sandra. Of course, you can use my post at your meeting. It would be great if you could provide the link to the blog in case they’d like to read more. (and if you provide it as a handout, if you could include my name and the blog link) I’m guessing that the post itself will spark lots of discussion and you probably won’t need to prompt them. But you could ask them which parts they relate to and to give examples then what are the strategies they’ve found that have worked for them. You might also ask them to share the resources they’ve found to be helpful. Sound good?

      Like

  27. Pingback: My Smart Kid Is So Emotional–Am I A Parenting Failure? | MadeleineMaya

  28. Thank you, I’m a single mom of 3 girls, two of which are gifted and talented and are 13 and 11. My house is constant chaos since the 13 year old cant stand the sound of doors closes, chewing, whistling, or anything for that matter and the 11 year old cant stand anyone disrupting her while shes talking but will talk for hours before finally getting to the point. Im sure the youngest is soon going to be headed that direction too. Im always worried that I’m not being a good mom for them and beating myself up for their father who is a drug addict and has been out of our lives for 8 years. Im desperate as you can probably tell from my writing but at the same time a cry with joy knowing I became a mom at age 15 but my daughters are smart, and nice girls and I know they will be something in this world.

    Liked by 1 person

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  31. Hi. We have a 16 year old (“going 25”). She is gifted to the extreme, and very sensitive and emotional. I loved your article. It’s good to know we are not the only family going through tough education. We started therapy twice, finding out that our second therapist is on the right page. It changed our lives when we were all ready to quit on each other. We had therapy for two years, and my daughter had an amazing response (although it was really difficult at the beginning).
    To our surprise, we did it have to change her behavior (which is what you always try to do as a parent), but changed ours.
    We are healthier, happier and learning something new every day.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. Hello! My son will be four this month. I’m still not sure if he’s gifted or just has a phenomenal visual memory. He started reading before 2, before he started speaking. He just recently started communicating, and his pragmatic language seems underdeveloped. He is generally very reserved and introverted, but has a major meltdown everyday to school. It starts with tears at home, and I have to carry him all the way to class kicking and screaming. I don’t know why he hates school so much, and it is a very trying experience. He is very sensitive (will shut down the laptop when Littlefoot’s mother dies or Nemo gets separated from his dad). He has never thrown tantrums before and the school thing has me worried. He is the youngest in his class. I know they are doing concepts way below his level, but I don’t know where to place him as socially/emotionally he is still just a three year old. We don’t really have schools for accelerated learners here.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your son sounds like he certainly has some of the rainforest-minded traits. It would be good to explore what it is about school that upsets him so much–if he’s there all day and bored all day, that could be part of it. Being highly sensitive can also make school difficult. There are some great blogs by parents of gifted kids at http://www.hoagiesgifted.org and http://www.giftedhomeschoolers.org. Sometimes gifted kids are twice-exceptional. You can read more about that on the blogs. I hope that helps. Thanks for sharing.

      Liked by 1 person

  33. Thank you for this post. My 12 yr old daughter is like this. It’s hard at times but I am trying to help and encourage her.

    Liked by 1 person

  34. My biggest problem is that our oldest son and I are equally intense and emotional, and I find it challenging to try to stay calm throughout the whole day to deal with him. I want to help him learn to contain his emotions and control his behaviour, but it feels like I have nothing left for myself! I am left feeling drained at the end of the day and I sometimes dread getting home at the end of a work day. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sure other parents will relate to what you’re saying here Raz. If you also have a rainforest mind and are highly sensitive and emotional, you can get easily triggered by your son’s reactivity. It sounds like it’ll be important for you to find ways to nourish yourself so that you do have the energy left to stay calm and help him. Not easy if you work all day outside the home. The techniques you use to soothe yourself, can be the same ones you teach him. You can learn together?? Self-care is important for all parents and kids!!

      Liked by 1 person

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  38. HI Paula. Thanks for this beautiful and re-assuring article. I think my 6 year old is gifted. He spells everything mentioned here. He has a fantastic long term memory, great observation and is a fantastic child. He, however, needs action and there isn’t provision for that in a traditional classroom. I hope I can help him sail through and align academics with action.

    Liked by 1 person

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